Verboten Numbers: The Lemming Snaps II

This post is a follow-up to "Brits Ban Bawdy Boulevard Monikers: And the Lemming Snaps" (January 5, 2009).

I just now made up a grassroots organization, the Council of Excessively Sensitive Persons, Organized for the Obliteration of Licentious Signage. This organization would take the work of the Lewes District Council to another level.

For decades, proper people have tried to protect the populace from names that might hurt someone's feelings. In their zeal, they have ignored a peril as great: naughty numbers!

I propose that the following hurtful and bias-mongering numbers be banned from this day hence:

0. • How dare anyone use a value which appears in demeaning phrases like "so-and-so's a zero." In the name of self-esteem, no more zeroes!
1. • An insult to the sincerely-held beliefs of Unitarians. Or, a blatant attempt to impose a monotheistic world view - Either way, it has to go.
2. • A hurtful reminder to anyone who doesn't have a date. This number must be banned, to reduce teen angst, drug use, and suicide.
3. • An obvious reference to Christian beliefs in the trinity. To avoid offending non-Christians, this number must not be used in public.
4. • The word for "four" in Japanese is "shi" - which is also the way the word for "death" is pronounced. Writing or saying "death" might be seen as a terroristic threat, and so this number must be removed from the approved list.
5. • The Golden Ratio (Phi) reminds many current and former students of traumatic Art Appreciation and Mathematics courses: When this number is removed from sight, the healing can begin.
6. • How many times must words like "hexagon" or "hex nut" be uttered, before we stop assaulting those who fear hexes? This number must go!
7. • An obvious and needless reminder to the toiling masses, that their lives are divided into weekly cycles of labor. And, in the guise of terms like "lucky sevens," an obvious attempt to lure the unwary into gambling dens.
8. • This violent number, glorified in films like "The Octagon," has no place in a peaceful society.
9. • Dante's Inferno had nine circles, and so this number must be insulting to all religions which refer to the number nine. Can there be any doubt that its use must be avoided?

Since just about everyone uses a base-ten numbering system these days, applying this list is sufficient to eliminate all hurtful numbers, without the need to address such horrors as "13."

This is a Joke, Folks!

American culture - and, apparently, some others - has become very sensitive to the emotional brittleness of some of its members. That being the case, we've been told to avoid a shifting set of terms. Some readers may have become so accustomed to psychological ticks being presented as serious rules, that this disclaimer may be necessary:

• This post is a joke!
• I'm only kidding!
• Please believe me: I am not serious about this list of verboten numbers!