Remember the Paths

"No matter what happens — be polite, be alert, and remember which paths you took coming in."

— Adeja's guide for travelers.

More from Adeja's guide:

• "Following a Hidden Trail"
  (July 17, 2015)
• "Smile, Wave, and Hope They Understand"
  (July 10, 2015)
• "Grotesque Souvenir"
  (July 3, 2015)
• "Dangerous Neighborhoods"
  (June 26, 2015)
• "Watch and Learn"
  (June 19, 2015)

Following a Hidden Trail

"Take time to explore. The best experiences often come days after you arrive. Slow down, relax, and you will meet people who are eager to show you around.

"These unplanned, unexpected, excursions may become the best stories from your travels."

— Adeja's guide for travelers.

More from Adeja's guide:

• "Smile, Wave, and Hope They Understand"
  (July 10, 2015)
• "Grotesque Souvenir"
  (July 3, 2015)
• "Dangerous Neighborhoods"
  (June 26, 2015)
• "Watch and Learn"
  (June 19, 2015)
• "Off the Beaten Path"
  (June 12, 2015)

Smile, Wave, and Hope They Understand

"Relax. Life is much too short for anger and annoyance at events you can't control. Did you make a wrong turn? Don't worry! You may discover new places and interesting people. Can't understand what the locals are saying? Smile and wave. They will probably realize that you are friendly.

"Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that it could be worse."

— Adeja's guide for travelers.

More from Adeja's guide:

• "Grotesque Souvenir"
  (July 3, 2015)
• "Dangerous Neighborhoods"
  (June 26, 2015)
• "Watch and Learn"
  (June 19, 2015)
• "Off the Beaten Path"
  (June 12, 2015)
• "A Stranger Rode Into Town One Day - - -"
  (May 29, 2015)
• "End of the Day's Journey"
  (May 22, 2015)

Ashikaga Yoshiakira's Birthday, Independence Day, and All That

Turns out that 1005 Boxelder Drive is a pretty good place to set up chairs and watch a public fireworks display. As long as there's enough wind to discourage mosquitoes, of course.

The Lemming notes that today is American Independence Day, the anniversary of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland's publication and Pactum Sicardi, Trois-Rivières founding day, and Ashikaga Yoshiakira's birthday.

A whole bunch of other stuff happened, too, but the Lemming figured that was enough history for one post.

Speaking of rabbits, the Lemming strongly advises against using furry animals as launch supports for bottle rockets. The animals don't like it, singed fur smells bad, and they're nowhere near as steady as a bottle. Un-furry animals aren't much better, really, now that the Lemming considers the matter.

Oddly enough, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission does not warn against lighting firecrackers in one's nose, or eating lit sparklers.

They do, however, seem to think that bottle rockets shouldn't be associated with bottles ("...never carry fireworks in a pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers) — which inspired the Lemming's effort to prevent a serious human-rabbit misunderstanding.

A bit more seriously, here's what the USCPSC says about not visiting the emergency room for the holiday:

"Fireworks are synonymous with our celebration of Independence Day. Yet, the thrill of fireworks can also bring pain. 230 people on average go the emergency room every day with fireworks-related injuries in the month around the July 4th holiday."

"Remember, fireworks can be dangerous, causing serious burn and eye injuries. You can help us prevent fireworks-related injuries and deaths. How? By working with a national, state or local organization where you live to promote fireworks safety in your community."

"Follow these safety tips when using fireworks:

• "Never allow young children to play with or ignite fireworks.
• "Avoid buying fireworks that are packaged in brown paper because this is often a sign that the fireworks were made for professional displays and that they could pose a danger to consumers.
• "Always have an adult supervise fireworks activities. Parents don't realize that young children suffer injuries from sparklers. Sparklers burn at temperatures of about 2,000 degrees - hot enough to melt some metals.
• "Never place any part of your body directly over a fireworks device when lighting the fuse. Back up to a safe distance immediately after lighting fireworks.
• "Never try to re-light or pick up fireworks that have not ignited fully.
• "Never point or throw fireworks at another person.
• "Keep a bucket of water or a garden hose handy in case of fire or other mishap.
• "Light fireworks one at a time, then move back quickly.
• "Never carry fireworks in a pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers.
• "After fireworks complete their burning, douse the spent device with plenty of water from a bucket or hose before discarding it to prevent a trash fire.
• "Make sure fireworks are legal in your area before buying or using them."

(Fireworks Information Center, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission)

That's remarkably sensible advice, actually.

The Lemming is forgetting something important. Let's see — the stove isn't running but the refrigerator is, a stitch in time still saves nine, AHA! July fourth is Rube Goldberg's birthday!

More July-Fourth-or-thereabouts posts:

• "Independence Day, 2012"
  (July 4, 2012)
• "Independence Day, 2011: 235 and Counting"
  (July 4, 2011)
• "Fireworks, Common Sense, and the Incredible Exploding House"
  (July 2, 2011)
• "Lemming Tracks: Fourth of July Weekend, 2011"
  (July 1, 2011)
• "New Citizens at an American Spaceport"
  (July 4, 2010)

Grotesque Souvenir

"If a wonderfully grotesque souvenir catches your eye: buy it. You may find that it is the perfect gift, or decide to keep it for yourself."

— Adeja's guide for travelers.

More from Adeja's guide:

• "Dangerous Neighborhoods"
  (June 26, 2015)
• "Watch and Learn"
  (June 19, 2015)
• "Off the Beaten Path"
  (June 12, 2015)
• "A Stranger Rode Into Town One Day - - -"
  (May 29, 2015)
• "End of the Day's Journey"
  (May 22, 2015)
• " 'You Can't Miss It' "
  (May 15, 2015)

Dangerous Neighborhoods

"If you want to see where townsfolk live and work, you must go visit them. Just pick a direction and start walking. Don't worry about wandering into dangerous neighborhoods, locals generally warn you before you go too far."

— Adeja's guide for travelers.

More from Adeja's guide:

• "Watch and Learn"
  (June 19, 2015)
• "Off the Beaten Path"
  (June 12, 2015)
• "Are You Going to Finish That?"
  (June 5, 2015)
• "A Stranger Rode Into Town One Day - - -"
  (May 29, 2015)
• "End of the Day's Journey"
  (May 22, 2015)
• " 'You Can't Miss It' "
  (May 15, 2015)

Attack of the Infographic, or, Break the Creative Block Before it Breaks You

"How Can We Overcome the Creative Block (Infographic)"
Spyros Thalassinos, make your ideas art (December 3, 2012)

"Creative block is the inability to access the flow of inspiration and creativity. It can last for days, months, and in some cases years. See how you can overcome it, with this cool infographic: 10 Fun Ways...."

Some of the advice could be over-budget for the Lemming, like "take a vacation."

It's like the 'how to manage your money' books that start out by suggesting that you sell one of your yachts. Oh, well: the "vacation" thing says "roam around your town," after "visit another country:" maybe the Lemming is being too harsh.

"Doodle and collect" sounds like what we called "goofing off" in the Lemming's younger years. Come to think of it, anything creative was often called "goofing off." Maybe the author/artist is on to something.

"Diversify interests?!" More often, the Lemming's problem was sticking with one interest long enough to write a coherent paragraph: which might or might not have anything to do with coherent light, or "lasers;" or tasers - - - you see what the Lemming means?

Then there's "follow the stars," which may or may not refer to movie stars whose talents are - - - no, the Lemming really doesn't want to be too harsh. Aha! "In your industry," so "star" means someone who actually is competent: not an astronomical body characterized by thermonuclear fusion and lots of really hot gas; which reminds the Lemming of Congress.

Where was the Lemming?

Point number nine is "be a kid again." "Again?" Chronological progression notwithstanding, the Lemming never stopped being a kid. Then there's the distinction between being childlike and childish, and that's yet another topic. Topics.

One more thing: the actual infographic is a bit over twice the linear dimensions of the copy in this post.

That makes it over four times the size in terms of area, but quite a few folks would say 'about twice as big' anyway, without specifying what "big" meant in that particular context.

Then there was the textbook that said "diameter," when the dimension was obviously circumference: and that's - what else? More topics.

A tip of the hat to Steve Farnsworth, on Twitter, for the heads-up on that infographic.

Allegedly-related posts:

• "Another Blogger's Readers Opine on Writing"
  (June 25, 2011)
• " 'My Dog Ate My Blog?!' "
  (December 13, 2010)
  • The Lemming's micro-review remains
  • The URL is one with Nineveh and Tyre
• "Making a Work Space that Works For a Writer"
  (July 28, 2010)
• ""Monkey See, Monkey Blue" - Who Knows? Somebody May Try This"
  (April 2, 2010)
• "Blogging to Boost Creativity"
  (November 17, 2009)

Music, Walking Ads, and Other Ways to Drive Away Visitors

"12 Annoying Things About Your Website That Drive People Away"
Shelly Kramer, V3 (Vision. Voice. Value. V3 Integrated Marketing) (June 21, 2012)

"...12. Music

"Music blares the minute I visit your site. That is unexpected, disruptive, and downright rude, from a customer experience standpoint. And, in case you weren't sure, it ticks me (and most people) off more than just about anything. Wake up and smell the coffee! That is so 2001. Frankly, it wasn't cool even back then—but today, music on your website can mean the kiss of death....

"...9. Walking Ads

"[Cue scream here.] Speaking of pop-ups, walking ads stink even more. They are annoying, disruptive, and inconsiderate. I came to your site for information. You only have one chance to make a good first impression, and walking ads are not the way to do it. I don't care who sold you on it. It’s a bad idea...."

This is a well-written and useful look at what *not* to do: in other words, the Lemming agrees with most of the 12 points. Most, not necessarily all.

For example, annoying thing #5 says:

"...Black backgrounds and white or grey type are nearly IMPOSSIBLE to read. With very few exceptions (there are some sites done very well by people who know what they're doing, but they are rare), cut it out...."

A bit later in that paragraph the author urges folks to do marketing research before committing to a black background. That, in the Lemming's opinion, is good advice: certainly for a commercial website, and probably for most personal ones.

Marketing research - for a personal website?! That's another topic.

Getting back to 'down with black backgrounds:' The Lemming's experience is that low contrast between text and background is more of a problem than black backgrounds. This is where designers should remember that not everybody has the same sort of monitor, among other things.

The article's bottom line is - under the "Bottom Line" heading:

"...Great design is cool. And cool is nice. But that isn't enough when it comes to effective online marketing...."

The Lemming agrees: although it's great if a website or blog can be cool and effective.

(A tip of the Lemming's hat to Sonia Winland, on Linkedin, for the heads-up on this article.)

Related posts:

• "Top 10 Blog Design Mistakes"
  (December 14, 2011)
• "Good Website Advice For Everybody, Actually"
  (July 7, 2010)
• "SEO Optimization: What Not to Do"
  (March 2, 2010)
• " 'About Us' - Why It's Important, How to Design Yours"
  (July 30, 2009)
• "Website Design: Just Because Everybody Else is Doing it - - -"
  (February 4, 2009)

Five Tips for Blog Design: and a Tardy Lemming

"Blog Design: 5 Tips To Make You Look Like A Pro"
danielcassady, on Dragon Blogger (July 8, 2012)

"Anyone can start a blog. I mean that. You don't even need to have a fancy laptop or an internet connection. All you need is an idea, and it doesn't even have to be a good one....

"...But what many new bloggers don't realize is how important it is for you blog to look good, to be easy to read and navigate.

"What I'm talking about, after all this time, is design.

"We've all been to websites or blogs that we thought we're going be worthwhile but turned out to be a mess of dark blues and neon yellows, blogs that we would have loved to read but couldn't because the content was overtaken by images and sound effects.

"I don't want you to make those mistakes, and with these 5 simple tips I am going to help you avoid them...."

The guest post on Dragon Blogger could have been shorter, but so could many of the Lemming's posts. It's a fast read, though, and a pretty good refresher on blog design.

Someone starting out should, in the Lemming's opinion, read what danielcassady has to say: and read other 'how-2' posts and articles. The basic ideas in "5 Tips" are good, sound advice: the details are, again in the Lemming's opinion: a matter of opinion.

For example, Dragon Blogger has a 'banner' ad above the post: but "5 Tips" says ads should be kept in the sidebar. This isn't 'poor design,' and danielcassady has a valid point: make posts easy to find on the page, "...so that your readers can focus on what they came to you for, the content." The banner ad wide, but short: and Dragon Blogger posts have a largish, bold, titles. That sort of 'over the post' advertising doesn't get in the way of readers.

Of course, that's the Lemming's opinion.

Here are the five points: each comes with a few sentences.

• Who Are You Talking To
• The Box Exists For A Reason
• The Curious World Of Images
• The Details Are The Key
• Ads

This isn't the ultimate guide to good blog design: but it's a pretty good post.

Finally, about "and a Tardy Lemming" in the title: This post is about four hours late. A couple hours ago the Lemming realized that this isn't Thursday. It's been like that all week.

Sort-of-related posts:

• "Friday the Lemming Slept Late"
  (June 29, 2012)
• "How to Not Sound Crazy - or - THE PARANOIDS ARE AFTER ME!!!"
  (June 12, 2011)
• "Writing For Blogs: Pretty Good Advice, and a Seven-Point List"
  (June 14, 2010)
• " 'How to Make Your Blog Stand Out:' Trite Title, Good Advice"
  (May 21, 2010)
• "Blog Header Design: Pretty Good Advice"
  (March 30, 2010)

BTW: Avoid Clichés Like the Plague

"The war on clichés - raising awareness for bloggers"
The hermeneutic of continuity (June 14, 2011)

"(The 'raising awareness' bit was a joke.) John Rentoul has a good list of clichés that are best avoided ('banned' in his article.) I admit to having used one or two of them and will try to do better. Sometimes these phrases might be used in jest such as 'a raft of measures' which I think is a funny way to describe a list of things that people are intending to do to pretend that they are solving a problem.

"Is it better to read blogs or books? This is a futile discussion since people can read and write both. Many bloggers become better writers simply because they write so much: I am sure that my own writing has improved over the past few years. Bloggers are also instantly punished in their comment boxes for mistakes in spelling and grammar (there are not so many pedants in punctuation.)

"If you write regularly, it is worth taking the time occasionally to consult some guides to good, clear English."

The post's author says that a set of writing rules made by George Orwell is "still valuable:" and the Lemming's inclined to agree. Pretty much. Here's that Orwell list:

• Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
• Never use a long word where a short one will do.
• If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
• Never use the passive where you can use the active.
• Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
• Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

Are these rules set in stone? For starters, that's a cliché. For the most part, that's a good, common-sense set of rules for coherent writing. The 'never use passive' point, for example.

On the other hand, "never" isn't a term the Lemming likes using where written communication is concerned.

Here's a short selection from the list of 100 clichés that Mr. Rentoul assembled, with the Lemming's opinion. The Independent is a United Kingdom publication, so this list almost certainly applies to British English, but it's probably useful on the west side of the Atlantic, too.

• 1. It's the economy, stupid.
  • That's still in use??
• 7. Learning curve.
  • Also "paradigm"
    • See #72
• 9. Celebrating diversity.
  • When humorists make cracks, it's time to quit:
    • 'De more you have, di verse it gets'
• 23. Apologies for lack of postings.
  • Unless the explanation is useful or funny
• 31. IMO, IMHO, LOL, ROFL and so on. I mean, whose opinion is it going to be? Genuinely witty abbreviations, however, are permitted, for example, QTWTAIN, YYSSW, IICRS (Questions to Which the Answer is No; Yeah, Yeah, Sure, Sure, Whatever; Iraq Inquiry Coverage Rebuttal Service).
  • The Lemming uses "in the Lemming's opinion" quite a bit
    • For clarity
    • To distinguish from facts or opinions of others
• 55. Exponential or exponentially used to mean big or a lot.
  • Unless the progression really is exponential
    • It's a very specific term
• 71. Fairly unique.
  • Something is unique - or not-unique
    • Might be okay in a literary use
      • Sort of like "he's fairly dead"
• 72. Paradigm shift. Or anything to do with a paradigm.
  • Somebody's still using "paradigm?!!"
• 76. Real people and the real world. In real time.
  • Unless the author actually means "in real time"
    • It's a rather technical term, though
• 100. The suffix -gate added to any news theme supposedly embarrassing to a government.
  • Anything else hinting that the writer thinks it's still 1974
  (John Rentoul, Eagle Eye, The Independent (UK))

The other 9/10 of the list is, in the Lemming's opinion (!) worth reading. And thinking about.

On the other hand (arguably (!) another cliché), if something in that list is positively the best word or phrase to express an idea? The Lemming thinks it's probably okay.

Not-completely-unrelated posts:

• "Palavering About Palaver"
  (June 4, 2011)
• "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People With Email: 10 Easy Points"
  (February 24, 2011)
• "Five Writing Mistakes: And Why Bloggers Should Avoid Them"
  (November 30, 2010)
• "How to Write Better: 100 Posts"
  (July 16, 2009)
• "Eschew Obuscation, and Other Good Writing Advice"
  (June 4, 2008)

---

A tip of the hat to @FatherTF, on Twitter, for the heads-up on this post.

Zombie Apocalypse: CDC's Tongue-in-Cheek Disaster Preparedness Advice Post

"CDC Warns Public to Prepare for 'Zombie Apocalypse' "
Joshua Rhett Miller, FoxNews.com (May 18, 2011)

"Are you prepared for the impending zombie invasion?

"That's the question posed by the Centers for Diseases Control and Prevention in a Monday blog posting gruesomely titled, 'Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse.' And while it's no joke, CDC officials say it's all about emergency preparation.

" 'There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for,' the posting reads. 'Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That's right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you'll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you'll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.'

"The post, written by Assistant Surgeon General Ali Khan, instructs readers how to prepare for 'flesh-eating zombies' much like how they appeared in Hollywood hits like 'Night of the Living Dead' and video games like Resident Evil. Perhaps surprisingly, the same steps you'd take in preparation for an onslaught of ravenous monsters are similar to those suggested in advance of a hurricane or pandemic...."

First of all, the CDC hasn't gone bonkers. And this doesn't have anything to do with radioactive Nazi zombies from Japan invading the west coast. Actually, it does, sort of - but I'll get back to that.

The post (emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp, or maybe it's blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2011/05/preparedness-101-zombie-apocalypse/) is titled "Social Media: Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse," and is - quite clearly, in the Lemming's opinion - written with tongue firmly in cheek. The reader will (or should) pick up on that in the second, third, fourth, or fifth paragraphs.

Seriously, folks: the CDC isn't trying to scare Americans into believing that there's a zombie invasion heading our way. In the Lemming's opinion, of course.

Back to the FoxNews.com article, with background on how that post got started.

"...The idea behind the campaign stemmed from concerns of radiation fears following the earthquake and tsunami that rocked Japan in March. CDC spokesman Dave Daigle told FoxNews.com that someone had asked CDC officials if zombies would be a concern due to radiation fears in Japan and traffic spiked following that mention.

" 'It's kind of a tongue-in-cheek campaign,' Daigle said Wednesday. 'We were talking about hurricane preparedness and someone bemoaned that we kept putting out the same messages.'..."

So, how's the 'zombie' post doing?

"...While metrics for the post are not yet available, Daigle said it has become the most popular CDC blog entry in just two days...."

And now, the Lemming's giving that post a little more publicity.

There's pretty good advice in the CDC 'zombie' post. Turns out, being prepared for a zombie invasion is pretty much like being prepared for a hurricane, tornado, blizzard, or pretty much any other large-scale problem.

The Lemming likes this approach, because it's such a refreshing change from the dry-as-dust advice - sometimes written in bureaucratese - that infested government publications once upon a time.

Finally: no, zombies aren't expected on the west coast; neither is Godzilla.

Not-completely-unrelated¹ posts:

• "Refinery Fire, Disease Threats, and Maybe-Melting Reactors in Japan"
  (March 14, 2011)
• "The Horror! Monster Comics that Scared Congress"
  (October 31, 2010)
• "More Zombie Models"
  (March 24, 2010)
• "Is Your Fitness Instructor a Zombie?"
  (January 13, 2010)
• "Worst Women's Fashions for 2009"
  (December 30, 2009)

---

¹ They're all in this blog, anyway.

Faking a Clean House

This might have been of more use, if the Lemming had posted it about 48 hours ago:

"How to Fake a Clean House"
Kathleen Squires, RealSimple.com

"When you’re short on time, here's how to give your living spaces the illusion of cleanliness.

"The Living Room

"Reserve one side of sofa cushions to be shown to guests. Before company arrives, flip over the cushions to reveal good-as-new fabric. When guests are gone, flip them back...."

There's more about getting a guest-ready living room without developing OCD tendencies. Other rooms discussed are the kitchen, bathroom, home office, and the kid's and laundry room (not the same room).

It's one of those one-page-per-subtopic websites, so you'll get a fresh batch of advertisements with each room. Since the content wasn't at all hard to find on each page, the Lemming didn't mind. Your experience may vary.

The 'faking a clean house' advice seems to be mostly common sense. And, in the case of the home office, pretty good advice for any time. Seriously: shelving books so you can easily read titles on their spines? When the home office is in use - who needs books that can't be found without a book-by-book shelf search?

Moving on.

It's Mother's Day, and at one time it was customary to write some gushingly sentimental claptrap on the subject of Motherhood.

That's not gonna happen. Not in this blog.

However, the Lemming has a word for mothers who take on the challenge of raising kids: Kudos!

Sort-of-related posts:

• "February 14th: Horned Lizard Day"
  (February 11, 2011)
  • So, where are the Horned Lizard Day cards?!
• " 'Mommy Brain' Research by a Mother"
  (October 23, 2010)
• "Mother's Day, Mothering Sunday, Goes 'Way Back"
  (May 8, 2009)
• "Not Your Everyday Mother's Day Greeting"
  (May 11, 2008)
• "Mother's Day Crafts - for Family Members With Time and Fingers"
  (May 10, 2008)

Gerbils Anonymous: Cute Photos, Common-Sense Advice

Gerbils Anonymous

"...This is Larry, R, sapphire born about 1-15 April 2002. Fathered two litters. Left, Buddy, black pied male son, born 11-18-02 from Larry and Stripe, a pied/spotted black. Larry's pups all have nice full tufts. (the thing in the background is a jewelry display support, it's not in their jumbo kritter keeper) Larry's a lousy nestmaker but a great pupsitter. He can sleep through all sorts of havoc too. He samples and digs in hands but is pretty gentle. Adopted and lives in Denver!...."

Gerbil owners of the world rejoice! You're not the only one who wondered if your pet gerbil was healthy - and how to keep the little nibbler that way. From the Medical Index page of Gerbils Anonyymous:

"...GerbilsAnonymous and Celtic Clique Gerbils have teamed up--the first aid/help index on Celtic Clique's website links to here. You're more than welcome to browse and help yourself. Links are scattered throughout to let you get back to her site when you're done here...."

Gerbils are Not Hamsters

The creator of Gerbils Anonymous told the Lemming about the differences between gerbils and hamsters - one tends to stink and the other doesn't, but the Lemming doesn't remember which is which.

No matter: the Lemming's household won't be getting another furry critter to care for. With the Lemming in residence, the Lemming's wife has quite enough on her hands.

Back to Gerbils Anonymous. The Medical Index page links to what seems like common-sense advice to the Lemming, with this (equally common-sense, in the Lemming's opinion) disclaimer:

"...I offer the following related pages from my experience. You can read and use anything from here AT YOUR OWN RISK. I accept NO liability and NO responsibility for what's presented here, how it's used, or what the outcome may be. These are things that have worked for me, there are exceptions to every rule...."

Awareness that quite a lot of health care for humans are 'things that have worked for me, there are exceptions to every rule' seems to be filtering into the Medical professions in this country - - - and that's another topic.

More posts about gerbils:

• "Another Christmas Special: With Gerbils"
  (May 12, 2010)
• "How to Pick Up a Gerbil"
  (March 1, 2010)
• "I Told You I'd Post About Gerbils, or Something"
  (December 28, 2009)
• " 'Gerbils of the Caribbean'?! Trailer For a Fake Movie"
  (November 24, 2009)
• " 'Monday, Monday:' Gerbil:0; Exercise Wheel: 1"
  (March 17, 2008)

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People With Email: 10 Easy Points

"How to Be a Jerk in E-mail"
Eric Griffith, PCMAG.com (February 23, 2011)

" 'Friends' are for social networks. But e-mail is for everyone, even enemies, frenemies, family, and co-workers, of course. E-mail remains the killer app of Internet communications for one reason: you can't really do anything wrong in e-mail. Seriously, follow these ten tips and you might end a marriage or two, lose your livelihood, or look like a complete and utter fool, but that won't be your fault. It's e-mail, where anything goes, you can do what you want, and so-called 'netiquette' doesn't apply. Right?

"Uh...okay. If you buy that, then keep reading, [insert insult here]. We're sure you'll take it all to heart.

"1. Never BCC
"You should always put every e-mail address in the "To" field, especially if you're mailing to your entire address list—and that goes double if you're at work. CC'ing folks only makes them feel unworthy. And using the BCC, well, that's just plain rude. Why not put it all out there? Don't you want all your recipients to be friends with each other?...

Eric Griffith wrote "How to Be a Jerk..." with tongue firmly in cheek, and the Lemming thoroughly enjoyed it. Your experience may vary.

And now, for those who need help being jerks, here's a sample of that advice:

"...2. Always 'Reply All'
"Remember that Super Bowl commercial where the guy was so upset that he might have done a 'Reply All?' Such nonsense. It's best to click 'Reply All' every single time, just to be sure you're covered. That way no one is ever left out. It's particularly important when you write a long-winded diatribe about the monumental stupidity of a cubicle neighbor…or your boss.

"3. Write a Book
"Do not keep to just one topic in an e-mail. What a waste. It's always best to fit in as many bullet points as possible. Better yet, eschew bullets for several paragraphs on several topics and clump them together into one gigantic über-missive. The greater the length, the more details, the more topics covered in the e-mail, the better. Bonus: Make the subject line of the e-mail a rant in and of itself....

Actually, the Lemming has used bullet points in emails, and memos: but the 'pick a topic and stick to it' advice is sound. Or, if you're trying to alienate folks: Go ahead and ramble.

Wait a minute - - - the Lemming rambles at times does that mean - - -?

Back to the 'be a jerk' article:

"...4. Don't Sweat Infection
"Sure, others may be chicken about getting a computer virus, but you're not as cowardly and stupid as them, right? Forgo the installation of anti-malware software and feel free to download and click those attachments. All of them. Especially the ones in spam. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe you will actually get some free 'enhancement' pills.

"5. Attach Big Files
"Got a fantastic digital photo of your sleeping cat you want to share?..."

And that's just the first page. Here's what you'll find on the second, with the occasional interjection by the Lemming:

"...6. SHOUT IT, SHOUT IT OUT LOUD..."

Yes, some folks still use ALL CAPS. or not capsatall and minimalpunctuationmaybeitsbeingcreativelikeeecummings

"...7. Make Esoteric Signatures..."

Eric Griffith explains, with a picture. One that's worth, in the Lemming's opinion, a thousand words:



"...8. Pass On Problems..."

The Lemming expected something about those memorable folks who inform you, in clinical detail, what the doctor discovered during their last colonoscopy, or why they never eat meat. Instead, the topic was those wonderful opportunities the Lemming finds now and again: heads of state who need the Lemming's help to move their fortunes around; work-at-home opportunities; that sort of thing.

"...9. Spread Out Your Bad Self..."

On this one, the Lemming agrees: to an extent. One email address is best, for anyone who's serious about getting replies. On the other hand, sometimes it's better to have a 'personal' and a 'business' account - and that's another topic or two.

"10. Write When Enraged..."

The Lemming loves a particular bit of this point: "...You need to get your lizard-brain thoughts down quickly, without thinking it through. It's called catharsis, people, look it up!..."

"Lizard-brain thoughts:" That's a wonderful way to describe those knee-jerk, instant reactions that most of us learn to control somewhere before adolescence. In the Lemming's opinion, of course. Then there's that word, "catharsis." The Lemming remembers those balmy days after wig pickers started saying that 'catharsis' was good for you - and before others noticed the mess that catharsis spills make.

Moving on.

The PCMag.com article is fun, a fairly fast read, and full of fanciful philosophizing. Fraught, in fact.

Enough of that.

For what it's worth, the Lemming suspects that quite a few folks are sensible - and don't clog email with what Eric Griffith described. It's like the fellow at a gathering whose voice has two settings: loud; and overbearing.

The Lemming will skip the usual hand-wringing about the appalling state of communication skills and emotional maturity online. You've probably heard it all before.

Besides, it's a beautiful day here in central Minnesota: and the Lemming's not going to rant.

Well, maybe just a little.

Here's something the Lemming ran across, back in 2008:



I found it on a page whose title is 'the disordered clipboard of Giuseppe Mazza,' except it's in Italian. Not the cartoon, the title.

Enjoy.

Related posts:

• "Nigerian Scams, Internet Safety, Fraud, and Human Nature: The Lemming Gets Wordy"
  (November 17, 2008)
• " 'Get Off My Thread' - Discussion Threads, Ownership,and Netiquette"
  (July 17, 2008)
• "To Forward, or Not to Forward, That is the Question"
  (April 17, 2008)
• "Email Personality Types: An Unscientific, Superficial, Thoroughly Fun, and Rather Accurate List"
  (April 10, 2008)
• "Netiquette: A Guide"
  (August 5, 2007)

Windows 7, Hardware, Troubleshooting and an Equivocal Title

"Find Out What's Not Working in Windows 7"
Michael Muchmore, PCMag.com (January 13, 2011)

"You may have problems with hardware you don't even know about. Here's a way to check for these and correct them. I recently had to do a clean install of Windows 7 on a friend's laptop. Easy, right? Boot from the installer disk, and let Windows download all the appropriate drivers.

"Not so fast. What if the very network driver, which allows this downloading of the rest of the drivers, wasn't working? That turned out to be the case with my laptop upgrade.

"Have Windows Automatically Fix Driver Problems

"The first thing to try is Windows 7's automated hardware troubleshooter. Click on the Windows button, and type "fix hardware" into the search bar. The top hit should be "Find and fix problems with devices." Click on this. This will start a Wizard entitled Hardware and Devices. Click Next to have it start detecting problems and checking for missing drivers. The troubleshooter will search through all your installed devices, and for each issue it finds, you'll be offer a choice between Apply this fix, and Skip this fix. It's probably a good idea to choose the first, especially if the troubleshooter appears to have found your network driver...."

That title, "Find Out What's Not Working in Windows 7" can be taken at least two ways. Reading it, the Lemming suspected it meant something like "discover what, in the Windows 7 system, is not working." The Lemming has run into quite a few 'I hate Microsoft because - - -' screeds over the decades: and that sort of thing leaves an impression.

Turns out, the title means 'using Windows 7, discover what is not working.' Obviously, the way Mr. Muchmore phrased it is shorter, easier to read, and much more like your typical headline.

The article is a sort of how-2, with fairly detailed procedures - including what to do if you had the operating system scramble your network driver. That's not the best idea, according to the article, since then you'll find connecting to your network awkward - and that'll make it a trifle challenging to download working drivers from the manufacturer's website.

The Lemming may be back to the PCMag.com article tomorrow: The new computer here has Windows 7 - and no driver at all for the scanner.

Buying a PC Case: Pretty Good Advice

"How to Buy a PC Case"
Matthew Murray, PC World (January 23, 2011 )

"First impressions are the most important, even when it comes to computers. So make sure your PC gives off a good one by using these tips to find the case that looks—and behaves—exactly the way you want it to.

"Unless you're a really serious system builder, chances are that when you think about your desktop computer, you don't think too much about its case. In fact, as long as a few basic requirements are met, everything else is probably pretty much okay: Does it hold all your hardware? Do the buttons and lights work? Are there USB ports on the front? And when it comes right down to it, these aren't minor concerns. More than any other component, the case is so simple that you only have to look at it to know how it works.

"That doesn't mean, however, that there aren't plenty of places to go wrong when deciding which case you want to house your new computer (or the components you already have). Understanding what the case does, how it works, and why it's designed the way it is will help you make smart buying choices...."

The article starts out with "Pick the Right Size and Shape," which may not be as obvious as it seems.

It's fairly short, not overly-laden with technical jargon, and seems intended for folks who know enough about computers to tell when they've got one that suits their needs - but not so much that they know why it's a bad idea to put an ATX motherboard in a microATX case. (Mr. Murray tells why.)

Somewhat-related posts:

• "Top Tech Nifties, 2010"
  (January 1, 2011)
• "Lemming Tracks: New Computer!"
  (December 19, 2010)
• "These Toshiba Computers are Hot - Literally"
  (September 4, 2010)
• "Microsoft; XP; Support; Marketing, Smart and Otherwise"
  (August 5, 2010)
• "Strange New Keyboards"
  (March 18, 2009)

Aerators in Minnesota Lakes: Good for Fish; For People, Not So Much

"DNR: Stay clear of aerators on lakes"
StarTribune.com (January 6, 2011)

"...As frozen lakes are aerated to help keep fish alive, officials are warning people to be careful around the open water.

"While aeration isn't a new concept, early winter storms have made it more difficult than usual for aquatic plants stuck under the lakes' icy surfaces to get sunlight and produce the oxygen that fish need.

"Consequently, some aeration systems are being turned on earlier than normal, and people need to be careful when they go out on the lakes to avoid the open water and thin ice, said Marilyn Danks, an aquatic biologist for the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources...."

The Minneapolis Star Tribune article says there are only about 270 Minnesota lakes with aeration systems in use this year.

If the Lemming did the math right, that means you've got about a 1 in 37 chance that the lake you snowmobile or ice fish on this winter won't have an aeration system in it. The odds are even slimmer, counting all the ponds, puddles, and damp spots that aren't big enough to count as "lakes" in this part of the world.

Minnesota's authorities recommend that folks use their brains. Lakes with operating aeration systems have signs at public access points that say so. And if a sign says "thin ice:" That means that the ice may be thin.

We're pretty good, in this part of the world, about recovering bodies. But, in the Lemming's opinion, it's better if folks use their heads and stay alive to enjoy another Minnesota winter.

Strong Passwords: It Can be Done

"Gawker Victim? 4 Ways to Make Your New Password Secure"
William Fenton, PCMag.com (December 14, 2010)

"You hear about it all the time: sweeping security breach exposes thousands of usernames and passwords. Everybody knows the repercussions of password insecurity, but when push comes to shove, it's a pain to change passwords and it's even more of a pain to keep track of them.

However, if you are a member of any of the Gawker weblogs—Lifehacker, Gizmodo, Gawker, Jezebel, io9, Jalopnik, Kotaku, Deadspin, and Fleshbot—the threat of hacking just got a whole lot more real. Last weekend's security breach exposed nearly 1.5 million accounts, including 500,000 e-mails and 185,000 passwords, to The Pirate Bay. I know what you're thinking, Pirate Bay? But that's for downloading movies. Alas, dear buccaneer, it's true.

"In the aftermath of the hack, Gawker distributed an email encouraging its members—or those who choose to remain members—to change their passwords associated with their commenting accounts. Thankfully, you're wise enough to read the best name in tech news and reviews, and we at PCMAG will help you get those passwords sorted.

"Whether you're a gawked Gawker or watchful web prowler, there are some basic rules to keep in mind as you update old passwords and create new ones...."

It's a short list: and you've probably seem the advice before. An item that's not there is - don't use "password" as your password. "password1" is just about as useless. In the Lemming's opinion.

This article's more of a teaser for a longer set of items, starting with:

• "Password Protection: How to Create Strong Passwords"
  Eric Griffith, PCMag.com (August 31, 2010)

It's mostly common sense: like not putting your password on a sticky note in the office.

There's one the Lemming doesn't recall reading before, too: spelling your password backwards. Skrawkcab, in other words. If that catches on, the Lemming thinks it'll become a major security issue in short order. It wouldn't take too much doing to make hacking software that tries passwords like drowssap or 1drowssap.

Other advice seems more secure: like making passwords that include numbers (other than "password1"); and using words not found in dictionaries (other than your user name).

Related posts:

• "Making a 'Super Password' "
  (August 23, 2010)
• "If Your Password is 'Password1' - CHANGE IT"
  (November 24, 2009)
• "Phishing, Common Sense, and 'The Public's Right to Know' "
  (October 6, 2009)
• "Passwords: Be Sure Yours Isn't on These Lists"
  (April 20, 2008)

Geeky Christmas Gifts: Starting With a Stapler

"Last-Minute Geeky Christmas Gifts"
Dylan F. Tweney, Gadget lab, Wired (December 21, 2010)

"Is it too late for holiday shopping? Not at all. If you act fast, you can still get some cool gifts for the geeks on your list. Some are available online and some require a trip to a local store — but all of the items on this list are likely to be well-received by any Wired reader.

"This is a partial list, of course. Got any great last-minute nerd gift suggestions? Hit us in the comments!..."

The first item listed is a red Swingline stapler. Which, apparently, isn't a joke.

The Lemming would like a red stapler: but hadn't realized that so many folks enjoyed office equipment.

Next on the list is H2O Audio's Surge 2G headphones, then something that looked like duct tape. Again, the Lemming would like that sort of thing - wait a minute. It's not duct tape. It's a spindle of DVD-Rs.

Okay: You get the idea. The post is around midway between being a serious listing of gift suggestions for a particular demographic - and a not-so-serious look at what's out there for folks who like office supplies.

Five Writing Mistakes: And Why Bloggers Should Avoid Them

"5 Mistakes Everyone Makes When Writing for the Web"
Tucker Cummings, Blue Glass (November 29, 2010)

"If you are a seasoned blogger or online content writer, this post may be a little basic for you. For others just learning how to maximize their writing on the Internet, however, this post is a solid education in what not to do.

"There are many great writers creating content on the Internet, but even the best writers can falter when it comes to sharing their work online. No matter how talented a writer may be, or how thoroughly they've researched their topic, a seasoned writer can still make rookie mistakes...."

The five mistakes:

1. Long Paragraphs
2. Forgetting to Check Your Sources
3. Tossing Out the Funk and Wagnalls
4. Starting a Flame War
5. Missing Great Opportunities

The Lemming would add a sixth mistake: Not reading about those five mistakes. The post is mercifully short, easy to read, and sensible - in my opinion.

Also, again in the Lemming's opinion, a good review - even for someone who's been writing for a while.

---

A tip of the hat to Steveology, on Twitter, for the heads-up on this post.