Stupid, Funny, Warning Labels

"Warning: These Product Labels May Cause You to Double Over With Laughte"
FOXNews (April 13, 2009)

" Danger! Caution! Alert! It seems like everywhere you turn there’s a new list of things you shouldn't be doing.

"From the machine that makes your coffee first thing in the morning to the alarm clock you set when you go to bed, just about every product you use on a daily basis comes with a list of ways not to use it.

"Experts say the abundance of warnings on packages leads people to skip reading them altogether...."

From personal experience: a transparent jar of peanuts, marked "peanuts" with the warning "contains peanuts." ("Stark, Raving, Mad Label: Contents: Peanuts / Warning: Contains Peanuts " (February 27, 2008))

Samples: "Don't Try to Dry Your Phone in a Microwave Oven;" "A Hair Dryer Warns: Never Use While Sleeping;" "Two-Pronged Fishing Hook Warns: Harmful If Swallowed."

I think a catch-all warning label would probably do the trick for all products: WARNING! NOT RECOMMENDED FOR USE BY OR NEAR NITWITS!"

Wacky Warning Labels: As Crazy as Ever

"M-LAW's Wacky Warning Labels"

Lawsuit-happy lawyers, people willing to admit being outwitted by a coffee cup or a flaming pickle, and judges who take them seriously have created a new sport in America: loony label spotting.

My favorite of the current lot is an honorable mention: a warning label on a letter opener that says: "Caution: Safety goggles recommended."

M-LAW isn't all fun and games. They're trying to fix a whacked-out legal system that has manufacturers putting "Do not use for personal hygiene" labels on toilet brushes.

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When lunacy is the order of the day, it's tempting to try acting crazier than the lawyers who made "Caution: Coffee is Hot" labels necessary.

Going out on a limb, I'm going to guess that these labels haven't been used yet.

• Lawnmower:
  • Not A Hair Care Product
  • For outdoor use only
  • Not a food processor
• Bottled Water:
  • Not a substitute for food.
  • Potentially dangerous in high doses, or if inhaled.
  • Consultation with a licensed nutritionist is recommended before use.
• Printer paper:
  • Caution! Paper cuts may result from improper use.
  • Persons with a family history of hemophilia should wear protective clothing and gloves during use.
  • The manufacturer is not responsible for content placed on this paper by any third party.
• Printer ink cartridge:
  • Not for internal use.
  • May leave marks on paper or cloth.
  • Not intended for use as paperweight.

Now, my own warning label:

Don't blame me if some beleaguered company has to use one or more of these warnings.