Tech Support and the Clueless Caller

"Operating Systems"
Computer Stupidities

"Most computer users understand that you need an operating system to use a computer practically, even if it is not clear why. But many users don't...."

I've done tech support: and these anecdotes could be real. A few examples:

"* Tech Support: 'May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
* Customer: 'A computer.'"

"* My Friend: 'What's your operating system?'
* Me: 'Linux.'
* My Friend: 'You better uninstall it!'
* Me: 'Why?'
* My Friend: 'The government uses Linux to look through your computer and see your every move. They use it as a security camera into your world.'
* Me: 'Sure....' "

"One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure.
* Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--"
* Customer: "MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT SOFTWARE?" (click)"

Yep: been there, done that.

Later - much later, sometimes - this sort of thing is funny. It's been long enough for me: maybe you'll like this collection of cognitive bloopers, too.

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A tip of the hat to timethief, on Twitter, for the heads-up on this page.

Computers, Ignorance, Paranoia, Tech Support, and Humor

"Computer Stupidities"
RinkWorks

" 'On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.'
-- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

"The following is a large collection of stories and anecdotes about clueless computer users. It's a baffling phenomenon that in today's society an individual ... can sit down in front of a computer screen and instantly lose every last shred of common sense he ever possessed. Complicate this phenomenon with a case of 'computerphobia,' ... You will read stories in this file that will convince you that among the human race are human-shaped artichokes futilely attempting to break the highly regarded social convention that vegetables should not operate electronic equipment...."

It's broken down by topics and sub-topics, like

• Systems
  • Piecing It Together
  Mincing Words Operating Systems Icons Hardware Requirements Backups Programming

There's even

• Role Reversal
  • Stupid Tech Support
  Stupid Salesmen

I found one tale, under Emergencies - Paranoia - that reminded me of a call or two I handled during my tech support days:

"I was once using the generic telnet program on the library computers to check my mail on UTM (the local university) with Pine. The computer-inept librarian walked up behind me.
* Her: (shrieking) 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING???'
* Me: 'I'm checking my email--'
* Her: 'It looks like you're breaking into the computer!!'
* Me: 'No really -- I'm checking my mail.'
* Her: 'But that's not HOTMAIL!!'
* Me: 'I don't use hotmail. I use--'
* Her: 'But EVERYONE uses HOTMAIL!!'
* Me: 'No, my account goes through UTM. My email account ends with--'
* Her: 'But that's not what MYYY UTM looks like!!' (apparently referring to the UTM web page)
* Me: 'Yes, I'm telnetting. It's another way of accessing--'
* Her: 'I think you better shut that off. You're breaking into the computer.'
* Me: 'But I--'
* Her: Turn it off. I don't believe that "checking mail" story.' "

Customer Service: More Tales from the Dark Side

"Best Idea I’ve Heard All Day"
Computer Repair, The Customer is Not Always Right (undated)

"(The receptionist at our computer repair store was handling a customer at the front desk.)

"Customer: 'Can you fix my laptop screen? There's a big black mark on it.'

"(The customer opens the laptop to show a cracked screen.)

"Receptionist: “How did that happen?'

"Customer: 'I closed it, but there was a beer bottle lid inside. It went weird after that.'..."

If you've ever worked in tech support or customer service, you've got a pretty good idea what happened after that.

The punch line is a bit off-color, but funny.

Desktop? What Kind of Desktop?

"Stupid Client Quote #6381"
clientcopia (June 10, 2008)

"In 2000, when ADSL connections weren't so diffused in Italy, I worked in the customer care of a TLC company, I helped people to configure their 56k dial up connections, mechanically repeating the same instructions about 40 times per day. But one day I faced a really weird customer. After about 15 minutes of telling him what to do to setup his remote connection, ..."

What comes next is so weird that it's believable.

I wouldn't call the customer at the other end stupid, though. Clueless, certainly, but not necessarily stupid.

(I keep coming back to clientcopia - it's quite a source for the all-too-human side of business.)

Clueless Client, Curmudgeonly Customer Support Clash over Dead Computer

"Stupid Client Quote #2190"
Clientcopia: Coping with stupid clients (February 15, 2005)

"This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for termination without Cause. This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)"
Curmudgeonly
The dialog is funny, at least for everyone except the client and the Help Desk employee.

I suppose I can understand the ex-employee "suing the WordPerfect organization for termination without Cause." America (I'm guessing both parties are Americans) and ancient Rome both seem to have filing lawsuits as a sort of unofficial national sport.

Just the same, I'm with WordPerfect on this one. I've been the tech support guy, and the employee who took calls from panicked customers. You don't tell them that they're stupid.

Particularly when they are.

Tech Support Calls: From Those Who Need Help Most

"Tech Support - Entertaining Calls For Help"

Another collection of tech support calls people on the low end of their learning curve.

Funny: But let's remember that everyone was once a newbie.

Customer Service: Tech Support Frustration isn't all on One Side

"A good reason to bang your head on the table!" "This is the REAL reason why I pity people who are working in the Customer Service line. Boleh mati wor!!!!" (1)

The conversation transcripts read like a blooper reel of tech support calls.

This post has two things going for it, as far as I'm concerned:

1. It's funny!
2. As a one-time customer service and technical support worker, it's good to see that I wasn't the only one getting challenging calls

One of my favorites from this post is:

"Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !"

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(1) About "Boleh mati wor:" the phrase may be Maylay for "I could die laughing." Or, in could mean something entirely different. Two of the three words show up in "Dr Bhanot's Malay-English Cyber-Dictionary," and two words there, ketawa and tawa, have mean "laugh" (and "laughter," for ketawa) - so "wor" just might have something to do with the "...awa" part of those words. If I'm wrong, and you understand Malay, please treat my attempt at understanding with maaf.

A Tech Support Guy's Lot is Not a Happy One

Tech Support: I've been on both sides of the phone.

On one particularly maddening occasion as a user, I went 'round a circle twice, so I could tell the next poor soul at [software publisher] I encountered that

• [software publisher product] support told me the problem was with [retail store]'s bundle of products - talk to them
• [retail store] told me that the problem was with the operating system, so I should talk to [operating system company]
• [operating system company] told me that the problem was with [software publisher product], so I should talk to them

So, here I am, back at {software publisher]. For the third time!

I never did get that issue resolved. Eventually, I developed a workaround.

Then there are my tech support experiences. But, instead of going into that, I'll steer you to An Open Letter to Anyone Asking Me For Computer Help. The writer's 11-point list of experiences and observations is worth reading: for entertainment, or as a sort of educational experience.