So, without further ado:
"Mom's Christmas Letter"
"Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:
"Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
"Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and...."
Two points which the Lemming thinks are important to remember:
- This letter is a work of fiction
- Even so, that is a disturbed woman
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- "The Weasel of Christmas: An Idea Whose Time has Come"
(December 24, 2009)